It was a lovely day. We went to the cinema and saw the new Transformers film, which I have to say, I enjoyed immensely. We shared a coke and had Maltesers which was nice. It was really good just spending time with him. I tried so many times to slip my hand into his, but I couldn't bring my self to do it, I couldn't. I don't know what stopped me.
I suppose it was fear. I was scared at what he was going to say. I didn't know whether or not he would just completely reject me as both a friend and something more. Again I tried to tell him, but my mouth caught in my throat and I would instead say something stupid like:
"Film's good," or "Malteser?"
It wasn't good, I felt as though I would never tell him or I would be forever trying to tell him. But whilst I was sitting there, next to him, in the crowded theatre I decided that when we went back to mine, and had some food I would tell him there, as I did not have to fear people over hearing and I could take my time. Also, I was enjoying the film, and I didn't really want to miss any of it :P
So, once the film had concluded and we had got back to mine, and I had showed him around and the like, we went to watch some television in my room. We put on some trashy comedy show and just chatted for a bit. I remember my heart pounding so hard in my chest that I thought Oliver would hear! I didn't quite know what to say. I pondered and thought about different ways of saying it. What would be the right way that didn't sound too cheesy or corny. I decided that I would be blunt, I felt that it would be the best way and I thought it would be easier than dropping it into a conversation where it might not be possible to soften the blow.
So I thought "fuck it", and this is what followed.
(Might just add that I have never been so scared in my ENTIRE LIFE!!!)
"Oliver, can I tell you something?"
"Sure mate," he replied
"...I'm gay."
Just like that. I had said it. It just sort of came out, again as it seems with so many things I say at the moment, that it hadn't quite sunk in for me that I had told Oliver, the boy I have a huge crush on, that I am a poooof. :/
It was a real shock for him I think.
"What?" He said, looking dumbfounded (and very cute I concluded, in that confused state)
"I'm gay." I repeated.
Then he was quiet, for what seemed like FOREVER. I think his mind must have been whizzing about a bit. After a while, he asked, quite calmly,
"Who else knows", and I told him who did, and he just nodded his head.
It was quite awkward, because I, even though I was really pleased that I had told him, was worried that he still could throw it back in my face.
But he seemed to take it quite well I thought. He did say that he had absolutely no idea, that was what surprised me most about his reaction. All those things where I thought he was flirting with me, the hugging and the little smiles, all are just demonstrations of friendship and I have concluded that Oliver is very much an affectionate person, with everyone, and I think that I was just hoping that he would be gay also, and I wanted it to be like something out of a romantic film.
But hey ho
There you go
Life isn't a fairy tale (no pun intended :D ). But he accepts me and he says that he won't tell anyone and our friendship will not change just because I am gay. Which I think is really really REALLY good, and such a huge relief that makes me smile when I think about it.
I am seeing him on Tuesday, and we are meeting up again soon hopefully.
I feel much better about everything now, myself as a person as someone whose opinion I value accepts me and doesn't hold anything against me for it and I don't have to lie to him anymore which is really relieving feeling I must say.
Well, on the whole it went well :D
It is a shame that he is not "that way inclined", but we can win them all.
Love and kisses,
J xxx
