Its been one of those weeks. I dunno, I just have been feeling a bit crappy lately. I have a bad head cold, which I can't shift, I have tried everything, but I can't get rid of my constant headache and blocked nose. Not good.
One of my Art teachers has really been getting on my nerves recently as well. I dunno why, she is a nice person, but doesn't understand me, and her teaching methods clearly reflect this. She won't let me experiment with different media. But such is life, so we must keep going. I had a bit of a go at her on Monday, she seemed a bit shocked. OOPS. oh well, I saw her today and she was like,
"Mellowed yet?"
"Just about," I said, and she laughed. I don't think that there will be any lasting damage. But it was annoying because she annoyed me and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. You know when you are in a bad mood and then everything seems to be against you? Yeah that's what the last few days have been like. I think that I am just being a moody teenager. Although I must say, that I am not really that moody at all, I just feel slightly depressed that's all. But I will soldier on, and get through it!
However, it is not all doom and gloom, I am going to London on Saturday. The rest of my subjects, that I'm taking this year are going really well, I am especially enjoying Philosophy. Toady we were looking at Hume's criticisms of William Paley's Teleological argument. It was brilliant. In latin we are translating Book VIII of Ovid's Metamorphoses, well the first 400 lines at least. And we read the Town and the Country mouse, the original poem by Horace. Really interesting stuff. German is ticking along nicely, bit by little bit.
School in general is actually really good, I like being a Sixth Former, I feel as though I have some power, certainly as a school prefect!
But, to come back to my earlier point. I really want a boyfriend! I know I have been saying that for months, but it hasn't changed. My bestest friend has got a new girlfriend recently, and I must say that I am really jealous of her. The way he looks at her, I wish he looked at me like that. I know he never would, but I still dream.
There is a rather yummy new boy this year, he has one of the nicest bottoms I have ever seen. He seems really superficial, and apparently is quite rude. But he really is HOT. He plays rugby and when I am waiting to be picked up after school, I sometimes see them train, and he always wears one of those skin tight skin things, that keep you warm, but unlike the others he doesn't have a rugby shirt over the top, so you can see the contours of his torso perfectly. He is dreamy. Hehe, I caught myself staring and I distinctly remember thinking:
"Come on! Get a Grip! Like he is going to be gay!"
I know that he could be, but I have almost given up on ever finding someone. Maybe one day someone will come along. But at the moment I do feel quite alone. My family of course are always there, but it is a different sort of loneliness, it is a companionship that I long for. I could, and I know for a fact that I could, go out tomorrow and pick up at least 5 girls. There are several who have fancied me for ages. But obviously I don't want them, not because they are unattractive, but because I need a boy to cuddle!!!! I know I probably sound like I am moaning about trivial things, but I dunno, they seem to be the things that are getting to me at the moment. Especially this thing about not having someone. I have tried to tell about 5 different people, that I am gay, but I just cant say it. Again my voice gets stuck and then the opportunity seems to pass. Maybe if I did come out, I would stand a better chance of finding someone. Ugh. I don't know what I should do anymore. Again, I want to tell people but I cant physically do it. Why am I such a pussy??
Anyway, recently I have been listening to Ryan Cabrera, a brilliant musician, and the song that I find most poignant at the moment is TRUE, the lyrics sum up my feelings at the moment:
I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move til you finally see
that you belong with me
you might think
that I don't look
but deep inside the corners of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true
'cuz I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
'cuz my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing that's true
so I will not hide
It's time to try
all my life I've waited
this is true.
You don't know
what you do
every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you met me?
I've waited all my life.....this is true.
So yeah. That about sums up my feelings at the moment. Bit here and there. But that's how I feel.
Much love,
A very sleepy and emotionally tired Joey xx
