Thursday 24 September 2009

...deep inside the corners of my mind, I'm attached to you.

Good evening.

Its been one of those weeks. I dunno, I just have been feeling a bit crappy lately. I have a bad head cold, which I can't shift, I have tried everything, but I can't get rid of my constant headache and blocked nose. Not good.
One of my Art teachers has really been getting on my nerves recently as well. I dunno why, she is a nice person, but doesn't understand me, and her teaching methods clearly reflect this. She won't let me experiment with different media. But such is life, so we must keep going. I had a bit of a go at her on Monday, she seemed a bit shocked. OOPS. oh well, I saw her today and she was like,

"Mellowed yet?"
"Just about," I said, and she laughed. I don't think that there will be any lasting damage. But it was annoying because she annoyed me and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. You know when you are in a bad mood and then everything seems to be against you? Yeah that's what the last few days have been like. I think that I am just being a moody teenager. Although I must say, that I am not really that moody at all, I just feel slightly depressed that's all. But I will soldier on, and get through it!

However, it is not all doom and gloom, I am going to London on Saturday. The rest of my subjects, that I'm taking this year are going really well, I am especially enjoying Philosophy. Toady we were looking at Hume's criticisms of William Paley's Teleological argument. It was brilliant. In latin we are translating Book VIII of Ovid's Metamorphoses, well the first 400 lines at least. And we read the Town and the Country mouse, the original poem by Horace. Really interesting stuff. German is ticking along nicely, bit by little bit.

School in general is actually really good, I like being a Sixth Former, I feel as though I have some power, certainly as a school prefect!

But, to come back to my earlier point. I really want a boyfriend! I know I have been saying that for months, but it hasn't changed. My bestest friend has got a new girlfriend recently, and I must say that I am really jealous of her. The way he looks at her, I wish he looked at me like that. I know he never would, but I still dream.
There is a rather yummy new boy this year, he has one of the nicest bottoms I have ever seen. He seems really superficial, and apparently is quite rude. But he really is HOT. He plays rugby and when I am waiting to be picked up after school, I sometimes see them train, and he always wears one of those skin tight skin things, that keep you warm, but unlike the others he doesn't have a rugby shirt over the top, so you can see the contours of his torso perfectly. He is dreamy. Hehe, I caught myself staring and I distinctly remember thinking:
"Come on! Get a Grip! Like he is going to be gay!"
I know that he could be, but I have almost given up on ever finding someone. Maybe one day someone will come along. But at the moment I do feel quite alone. My family of course are always there, but it is a different sort of loneliness, it is a companionship that I long for. I could, and I know for a fact that I could, go out tomorrow and pick up at least 5 girls. There are several who have fancied me for ages. But obviously I don't want them, not because they are unattractive, but because I need a boy to cuddle!!!! I know I probably sound like I am moaning about trivial things, but I dunno, they seem to be the things that are getting to me at the moment. Especially this thing about not having someone. I have tried to tell about 5 different people, that I am gay, but I just cant say it. Again my voice gets stuck and then the opportunity seems to pass. Maybe if I did come out, I would stand a better chance of finding someone. Ugh. I don't know what I should do anymore. Again, I want to tell people but I cant physically do it. Why am I such a pussy??

Anyway, recently I have been listening to Ryan Cabrera, a brilliant musician, and the song that I find most poignant at the moment is TRUE, the lyrics sum up my feelings at the moment:

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move til you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
that I don't look
but deep inside the corners of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
'cuz I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
'cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing that's true
so I will not hide
It's time to try
all my life I've waited
this is true.

You don't know
what you do
every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life.....this is true.

So yeah. That about sums up my feelings at the moment. Bit here and there. But that's how I feel.

Much love,

A very sleepy and emotionally tired Joey xx

9 comments:

  1. Joey.
    You have an amazing, awesome talent for summarising the exact same feelings as I have, at this exact same moment. I really relate to you.

    You haven't been on msn for a while. :( I really miss you. I would like to talk.

    See you soon. x

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  2. Glad you're back.

    Don't worry sweetheart, what your enduring is life.
    Schools good, family o.k. the rest will sort it self out.

    Take care.

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  3. No need to apologize for telling us how you feel. That's one of the things blogs are for.

    You are not at all unusual in wanting someone special. Of course the ratio is against us since most boys are straight. About all you can do is be patient. From now until you begin your career is probably the time you will probably be meeting more new people than in any comparable time span in your life. There is a good chance of your hitting it off with one or more of them. So don't let yourself become too desperate.

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  4. Hi! :D Just to tell you that you're an amazing writer/blogger. One of the best blogs I've read.

    This incline towards boys~ its something that nobody would understand unless he/she has experienced it before. ( you know what I mean!)

    Every time they smile at us , it makes us wanna smile back too. Each time they pat us on the shoulder , our hearts would miss a beat.

    Trying hard to be with him , but afraid that one day he will know who you are and leave you.

    As much as you want the whole world to accept you for who you are and be like you , our hearts will always stop us when we face such a situation.

    And that's the secret that is locked away forever in our hearts.

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  5. Oh NO that`s not good (first paragraph) I'VE caught a cold and it`s ,terrible cuz when I`m sick I get a litl moody too,ja (not good)anyways you must keep yourself happy , and everithing would be OK
    XOXO
    HUGS:p
    J.E.

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  6. Your BDay must be around or is already passed, so I wish you a really good one and a BF as a gift.

    Just hope that everything is going fine with you and that, one day, you will pursue the Alexander story.

    Rob

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  7. D'you know how many guys of your age are saying they'd really love to have a boy/girlfriend

    Just about nearly all, I bet.

    But it's right that you should be able to put yourself about a bit more soon.

    Do people have parties and do they just hang out together, prhps evenings and weekends? I remember I was hardly ever at home for a whole evening at a time in the Sixth Form!

    Mind you - it was an all-boys school and that may have meant we bonded better.

    There were some girls appeared though as time went on. But strangely my friends weren't that worried about who did or didn't have a girlfriend. The rest of us just hung out together when the het. lovers wanted to be alone. Suited me!

    I think there's definitely hope yet AND I think it won't be that long before you start coming out to one or two friends. I think if you were to tell the right people you might find they'll match-make for you! Girls who know gay boys often seem to want to do that you know?

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  8. Blogs are FOR whining!! lol!
    No need to apologise!!

    Feel better!!!!!!!!

    Sxx

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