Sunday, 15 November 2009


Recently, I have been really interested in German Romanticism, and as part of my German A Level course, I have done some extra work at home comprising of some translation of German poetry. Here is my favourite. The translation was all my own work, and the poem itself was written by the German Poet: Friedrick Rückert.


Original German:

Du meine Seele, du mein Herz,
Du meine Wonne, du mein Schmerz,
Du meine Welt, in der ich lebe,
Mein Himmel du, darein ich schwebe.
O du mein Grab, in das hinab,
Ich ewig meinem Kummer gab!
Du bist die Ruh, du bist der Frieden,
Du bist der Himmel mir beschieden.
Daß du mich liebst, macht mich mir Wert,
Dein Blick hat mich vor mich verklärt,
Du hebst mich liebend über mich,
Mein guter Geist, mein beßres ich!

Poetic me :)

You are my soul, my heart,
You are my bliss, my painful dart,
You are the world in which I abide,
You are the heaven through which I glide,
O you are my grave, which lies below,
To this I relinquish my eternal woe!
You are the rest, the harmony,
You are like the humble sky to me.
It is your love that gives me grace,
Your glance transforms me, gives me face.
With your love you lift me on high,
You are my good spirit, my better I.

There I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did translating it. I think it is a lovely poem. I think that when you read it, it will make you think of someone you love or have a bit of a crush on ;P hehe.

Yeah, thats about it for the mo. :D
Love you all a lot,
Joey xx

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Alexander part 4 (ii)

This part of the story marks the start of the blossoming relationship between the two, and is the moment when Josh finally realises what has been staring him in the face all day.

It was so obvious now that I thought about it. All the times he had asked about the guys in my class, showing no interest in the girls. Those sneaky glances throughout Chemistry at me and my more delicate areas. These glances I had completely dismissed, but now that I thought about them, they seemed to leap out from my mind and materialise themselves before my very eyes.
"So, what have you got in your sandwiches?" He asked, trying to change the subject as it was about to wander into realms that he did not want to enter.

Did I have feelings for him too? Was that why all those things had been happening to me all day? It would certainly explain why I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wasn't able to concentrate in any of the lessons. I sat there like a lemon, looking at his face in my minds eye, or sometimes actually physically staring at him. When he noticed this in Chemistry, I was so transfixed by his hair that I was about to pour the chemical solution all over myself. He had just smiled and said, "Careful Josh, you might spill that."

"Anyone home?" he asked me, and I realised that I had again ignored is questions concerning my sandwiches. He knocked on my head in a joking sort of manner that usually accompanies such phrases. But as he did so, I suddenly grabbed his hand as it touched my head. He jumped, but my hand had already slid into his. This, I must say was completely involuntary. Then, when I realised what had happened, I found myself, fingers interwoven with the new boy under a tree in the golden sunshine. It seemed as though I was in a dream. My brain was still giving me weird convoluted signals. One said remove your hand at once, as you are both boys. But another, stronger voice was telling me of perfection.

"Err, Josh?"


"What are you doing?"

"I don't really know." I said. I didn't know what was happening.

We sat like that for a moment or two, then I turned and looked right into his deep brown eyes, and then for the first time in my life, everything felt right.



Suddenly, I had the most clear and powerful urge I have ever felt. I knew what I had to do, it was as though all the light of heaven was dancing upon his delicate face. I brought my other hand up to his face slowly, and stroked his cheek. It was soft and smooth. He blushed.

"Josh, what are you doing?" I brought my finger to his lips.

"Shhh," I said. Then I did something that I never, even in my wildest dreams, thought I would do, but it was though I was being controlled by some higher being. I slowly brought my head towards his. My heart beat a thousand times a second and I felt butterflies swooping and swarming in my stomach. Closer and closer our lips became until, my lips suddenly and softly touched Alexander's. Electricity seemed to dance between our entwined lips. I felt as though I were floating, suspended in a sea of ecstasy and light. Our kiss lasted but a moment, but it was tender and light.

When I brought my lips away from Alexander's, he looked as though all his birthdays and Christmases had come all at once. He threw his arms around my neck, and I buried my face in the crook of his slender shoulder.

"Oh Josh," he sighed. " I never thought I would ever meet someone like you."

As we sat there wrapped in each others arms, I finally gave in to the voice that had been calling me all day. It was the voice of my heart and I let it sing. Some people say that love comes through years of working on a relationship, but the love that I felt for Alexander wasn't that sort of love, it was a deep powerfully emotive love, that surfaced almost immediately. Love at first sight is the only way I can explain it. Even though I had only known Alexander for but a few hours, I felt as though I had been searching my entire life to find him. It felt so right to touch him, to kiss him. How could I possibly ever let him go?

"I don't really understand what is happening. But I know that I don't ever want to be away from you," I whispered into his ear.

"Does it matter, I have finally found the boy I have been searching for. Oh Josh!" He said, and kissed my cheek. I pulled back and looked into his deep chestnut eyes and felt all my problems melt away, like twigs blown in a breeze.

Well guys, there you go. Tube (or TUNE in -- thanks Rowan for spotting that one!) in for the next installment, which you may like to here, gets much more exciting!
Lots of love,

Joey xxx

Alexander part 4 (i)

Well, guys, sorry about the wait but here is the next bit of Alexander. As I have said before, I am trying to establish the characters, and then you can enjoy the more exciting bits....if you catch my drift!

The lunch bell sounded. A conical flask filled with some viscous purple liquid effervesced loudly on the bench in front of me. I picked it up and poured its bubbling contents down the sink. I placed the now empty flask at the front of the lab and walked back to my bench. Alexander was already packed and ready. His bag, slung over his slender shoulders was full with homework and text books. My work was still sprawled on the desk. I began to pack it away.

"What do you normally do for lunch?" He asked.

"Well," I said, stuffing chemistry textbooks into my satchel. "It depends on what you feel like. I normally sit with Charlie and occasionally a few other people, and we just chat and eat. Have you got a packed lunch?"

"Yes, I think so. Mum gave me one this morning," he said, checking his bag. He nodded, obviously assured that he had something to eat.

"We can do what ever you want, your the new one, your choice. What do you think?" I asked. He made a humming noise as he thought.

"Could we sit on the field or something? At my old school, that's what I used to do. Just you and me?" Odd, I thought, but agreed, for some reason I felt as though I would do anything for this boy.

"Sure no problem. Might have to watch out for footballs though," I said, grinning. "The lower years seem to be always playing some sort of ball game, and for some reason, they always seem
to gravitate towards me." I shook my head. He laughed. We did sit on the field, despite my worries about flying footballs, but we needn't have worried, the footballers left us well alone. Perhaps they knew something was going to happen.
We sat under the big tree at the top of the field, a favourite spot of mine, we sat next to each other of course, he was on my left. The tree offered us some much appreciated shade, and provided some privacy, as it was hard to see people sat under this tree. We ate and talked for a while, just about the general workings of the school, he asked about different people in the form and what they were like. His hippy-like laugh, which occasionally rose from his full lips, sounded like pure sunshine to my ears.

"Have you got a girlfriend?" Alexander asked, mouth full of sandwich. I had just been describing the relationship between Katie and Sam, two people in our form, who had been an item for well over a year. That might not sound like a long time, but to a teenager that was an obscenely long time for a relationship.

"No, I haven't." I replied. I hadn't had a girlfriend for almost two years. People kept asking me out on dates and such, because apparently I was quite good looking, in a geeky way. I, however hadn't even had the remotest of urges towards the girls who were practically throwing themselves at my feet. I was beginning to wonder why.

"Why not?" Damn. He had asked the question, I had hoped I wouldn't have to answer.

"Well, I suppose that I am looking for the right person," I answered truthfully. He nodded in understanding.

"I agree. Do toy think you will know that person when they come around?"

"I suppose so," I said looking at him. "Well, I hope so." He smiled and my heart fluttered. I blushed crimson.

"What?" He asked, obviously my cheeks were very noticeable.

"Erm nothing," I said quickly.

What was going on, why am I blushing every time Alexander smiles? Then it slowly began to dawn on me, that these feelings, the ones for Alexander might actually be more than just the feelings of an initial friendship. But they couldn't be, could they? It was impossible. He was another boy, albeit a beautiful and radiant boy. What do these thoughts mean? I tried desperately to push them aside, so that I could ponder on them further at a later date. I tried to change the subject.

"What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?" Somewhere, deep at the back of my mind, hidden, a small voice was begging and wishing that he didn't have a girlfriend. I mentally told it to be quiet.

"No I don't," He said. The small voice shouted excitedly. "To be brutally honest, I have never had a girlfriend. He sighed.

"Really," I said astonished. "Why not? Gee, If I was a girl I would be all over you in seconds."

"You still could," He whispered.

"What was that?"

"Erm, well I just meant that.....well...erm." He said quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth. Suddenly a laugh rose unbidden from his small frame. A nervous laugh. It was a laugh that said, "I just messed up big time!" But if I was reading that laugh correctly, what had he gotten wrong? Then I replayed what he had just said again in my mind. He had said it in a way that was almost meant for his ears alone. It had seemed to slip out, as though his brain had hiccuped and out it came. But what could it mean? Oh come on Josh, think. Then, like a tonne of bricks it hit me in the face. My heart jumped with the realisation of what was happening. I drew in a breath.

There is the first part of the fourth installment of Alexander, check back soon for the next bit.
Love to all,


Sitting atop a lily pad....

Hi there everyone. Again, it seems to be that it is a huge gap between this post and my last. I don't understand it! Lol. But anyway. Hi guys. :)

Feeling good at the moment, just broke up for half term (that's the beauty of going to a private school, more holidays!), gonna chill out this week and next, lord knows i need it. The last few weeks at school have been manic. The play is going well, got a rehearsal on Thursday, chamber choir is fantabulous as per usual. And I am singing Ombra Mai Fu at the autumn concert. (For those who don't know its part of Handel's Xerxes, and is beautiful. I am also singing the recite before it as well, which is really fun. :D

What else has been happening? Erm, I am the school council representative for my form, and I am on the school chess team. Yeah, so busy bust busy for me at the mo. As well as this I have to fit in all the copious amounts of homework that seems to come my way at the moment. I have just finished a story for my German class, entitled "Fred der Frosch". It is about Fred the frog who gets turned into a prince. My friend Emily and I had great fun working on it together.

Came out to several more people recently. Slowly but surely more and more people know :D

OH! just spent the weekend in Cornwall, with my family, it was lovely. We stayed in a small holiday park just outside ST. Ives, and mooched on the beach all weekend. It was great, the only downside was that we didn't get round to going to the Tate. I was gutted, there was an exhibition on magic and mysticism, which sounded great!! But we did eat lots of Cornish ice cream and fudge and we lunched on Cornish PASTIES!! I must say, that whilst the Cornish accent does nothing for me, their snacks are pretty darn good!! :D

Also, I'm going out Friday night. I'm quite excited. To be honest, sometimes I am bit of social retard :S Normally not of my doing, but the parties and stuff that people go always seem to clash with something that I have already planned, but going out Friday should be good. Lol, maybe I will have to get some people to come with me to the gay bar we have in the city! :D lol, that would be fun!

Before I go, I would just like to ask, have any bloggers been watching the British Talent competition, the X factor??? Well, I suggest that you do, for have any of you seen the 16 year old Welsh boy, Lloyd Daniels? I have to say that I find him rather attractive, (and just between us, he is pretty much the only reason I watch it now!!) Here, see what you think:

Well, I think he is fit!! :D Hehe,

Love you all a lot, Joey xxx

Thursday, 24 September 2009

...deep inside the corners of my mind, I'm attached to you.

Good evening.

Its been one of those weeks. I dunno, I just have been feeling a bit crappy lately. I have a bad head cold, which I can't shift, I have tried everything, but I can't get rid of my constant headache and blocked nose. Not good.
One of my Art teachers has really been getting on my nerves recently as well. I dunno why, she is a nice person, but doesn't understand me, and her teaching methods clearly reflect this. She won't let me experiment with different media. But such is life, so we must keep going. I had a bit of a go at her on Monday, she seemed a bit shocked. OOPS. oh well, I saw her today and she was like,

"Mellowed yet?"
"Just about," I said, and she laughed. I don't think that there will be any lasting damage. But it was annoying because she annoyed me and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. You know when you are in a bad mood and then everything seems to be against you? Yeah that's what the last few days have been like. I think that I am just being a moody teenager. Although I must say, that I am not really that moody at all, I just feel slightly depressed that's all. But I will soldier on, and get through it!

However, it is not all doom and gloom, I am going to London on Saturday. The rest of my subjects, that I'm taking this year are going really well, I am especially enjoying Philosophy. Toady we were looking at Hume's criticisms of William Paley's Teleological argument. It was brilliant. In latin we are translating Book VIII of Ovid's Metamorphoses, well the first 400 lines at least. And we read the Town and the Country mouse, the original poem by Horace. Really interesting stuff. German is ticking along nicely, bit by little bit.

School in general is actually really good, I like being a Sixth Former, I feel as though I have some power, certainly as a school prefect!

But, to come back to my earlier point. I really want a boyfriend! I know I have been saying that for months, but it hasn't changed. My bestest friend has got a new girlfriend recently, and I must say that I am really jealous of her. The way he looks at her, I wish he looked at me like that. I know he never would, but I still dream.
There is a rather yummy new boy this year, he has one of the nicest bottoms I have ever seen. He seems really superficial, and apparently is quite rude. But he really is HOT. He plays rugby and when I am waiting to be picked up after school, I sometimes see them train, and he always wears one of those skin tight skin things, that keep you warm, but unlike the others he doesn't have a rugby shirt over the top, so you can see the contours of his torso perfectly. He is dreamy. Hehe, I caught myself staring and I distinctly remember thinking:
"Come on! Get a Grip! Like he is going to be gay!"
I know that he could be, but I have almost given up on ever finding someone. Maybe one day someone will come along. But at the moment I do feel quite alone. My family of course are always there, but it is a different sort of loneliness, it is a companionship that I long for. I could, and I know for a fact that I could, go out tomorrow and pick up at least 5 girls. There are several who have fancied me for ages. But obviously I don't want them, not because they are unattractive, but because I need a boy to cuddle!!!! I know I probably sound like I am moaning about trivial things, but I dunno, they seem to be the things that are getting to me at the moment. Especially this thing about not having someone. I have tried to tell about 5 different people, that I am gay, but I just cant say it. Again my voice gets stuck and then the opportunity seems to pass. Maybe if I did come out, I would stand a better chance of finding someone. Ugh. I don't know what I should do anymore. Again, I want to tell people but I cant physically do it. Why am I such a pussy??

Anyway, recently I have been listening to Ryan Cabrera, a brilliant musician, and the song that I find most poignant at the moment is TRUE, the lyrics sum up my feelings at the moment:

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move til you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
that I don't look
but deep inside the corners of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
'cuz I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
'cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing that's true
so I will not hide
It's time to try
all my life I've waited
this is true.

You don't know
what you do
every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life.....this is true.

So yeah. That about sums up my feelings at the moment. Bit here and there. But that's how I feel.

Much love,

A very sleepy and emotionally tired Joey xx

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Short but Sweet....

Heyloo everyone.

Currently sitting up in bed. Haven't posted for ages. Really sorry about that, back to school has been crazy and I have sooo much work its unbelievable.

But, I thought I would just say, that I am not ignoring all of you, I just haven't got round to blogging or replying to my emails.

Anyway, just a quick thing. There is this new boy at my school this year, he is yummy yummy yummy. I hope I can talk to him and stuff. He is called Ben. He seems lovely.

Anyway. I'm off to bed, i need some sleep desperately (I was woken up at 6am this morning by my dog barking and couldn't get back to sleep. UGH)...

Right. Night.

Lots of love,

J xx


Sunday, 30 August 2009

Agnosticism and Cynicism, an explanation into my Beliefs

Good morning everyone. It's just past 9 o'clock here, on a cloudy Sunday morning. I'm sitting at my dining room table, listening to some music, and I have been watching the old grannies and grandads, walking to the small church that's near my house. So, I thought I would talk about religion for a while.

Firstly, my father and my step-mother are completely 100% theist, (Christian orientated!), and when I was younger, they took me to their church every Sunday, which was an Evangelical church. It was very "happy-clappy", with lots of "Hallelujah!!" and "Praise Jesus!!" and all the rest of it. That didn't really gel with me. Yes, the music is very good music. -- I particularly liked the guitar parts, which were a mix of soft rock and folk.

However, I have been baptised and confirmed a Christian, but in the last few years, as I have learned more of the theoretical side of the major religions, I have come to the conclusion that maybe traditional Christianity does not answer all my questions, and neither does any other single organised religion.

I think that because my father and step-mother threw me in the deep end of organised religion so to speak, as they "found God", I sort of have a bit of a bad experience as I think that I just wasn't ready to live the life that the Pastor preached and that pressure has darkened my view of Christianity somewhat. I've established that this is the root of my cynicism. I certainly look down my nose sometimes at religion, and sometimes it is simply a cold academic subject for me. But that is too harsh. I do believe in something!

I find that all the major religions have elements within them, that I agree with, the morals of Christianity and Buddhism particularly. But then some of Judaism makes sense to me too. Therefore I must declare that whilst I believe in something, nothing within any religion I have come across has answered everything and therefore I cannot call myself a theist, as I cannot say that I intrinsically believe in a singe god. Well, that rules out any monotheist based religions -- Christianity, Judaism, Islam. But similarly I cannot comprehend the Hindu faith with its hundreds of Gods, a Polytheist religion.

But at the same time, I don't believe that there is simply a void, a nothingness within the celestial planes. Therefore I cannot call myself an atheist, as I do believe in something. If I cannot call myself either a Theist or an Atheist then I must be an agnostic.

(quick little note -- The "a" prefix before a word, making it negative, is of Greek origin. Where an alpha was used as a negative. Therefore Agnosticism, is simply a-gnosticism, and gnosticism derives from the Greek verb gignosko meaning to know, realise or understand. So Agnosticism is simply un-knowing or un-understanding.)

Now, we have established, that I am in fact an Agnostic. I would like to define what sort of agnostic I am. Through research I have established that I am an Apathetic, or Pragmatic Agnostic. This is because as I said, the religions I have studied have not answered my questions, and like many before me, my questions focus on the bad things in the world. Suffering, how can a God allow these things to happen. The arguments, arguing either to prove an existence of God or disprove it, seem to focus around this point. Suffering.

Holocaust theology has shown me many arguments for disproving the existence of God, but it is has also thrown up some theories that seem entirely plausible, such as free will. I won't go into to too much detail, if you wish to read further, here is a link:

In conclusion, the beliefs that I hold, cannot be categorised into a single faith. I suppose in a way my mind holds a strange amalgamation of beliefs. So, maybe I will have to post a post that tries to explains what I am trying to explain here!!

I really hope that some of this made sense....I am trying to put into words, something that I believe in, I find it difficult to express all that I want to express without writing thousands and thousands of words. If you have any questions, I shall answer them, but basically this entire post was to establish that I am not really sure what is out there, but if we are indeed modelled on it, then its temperament will probably not be the all loving God of Christianity, but its moods will be like that of the sea, ever changing sometimes calm, yet sometimes vicious and treacherous.

So. Yeah.

Joey xx