Its not all chocolate and caviar

Well. It was one of those days!

I think, first I will give you some background information. You may remember that I said that my parents were divorced. Well, they each have a new partner. My dad married a nice woman although she really bugs me sometimes. They have been married for about 8 years I think, they have had two girls, aged 4 and the little one, who is about 16 months old.

My mum has been with an Indian man for 10 years and they have also had two children, a boy and a girl. The boy, my brother is 9 years old and my sister is almost 7.

Anyway.

Whilst my father and my stepmother have a good relationship, the same cannot be said for my mum and her partner. They argue all the time, normally it gets very heated, although it has never resorted to violence at least not while I've been there. :-/

Recently they have been arguing more and more and my mums partner has threatened to kick her out on several occasions. This always ends in tears, normally hers. I get left to pick up the pieces, not fun! So, it has finally reached the point where my mum is actually leaving. We have seen some houses, and one looks good. Fingers crossed we can get it. I worry that it will fall through though. :-(

The next few weeks will be tough for sure. The move, adjusting and the money. We are not that wealthy and we are really going to struggle to be able to afford the house. My mum hasn't got any family living near us. The closest relative is in Wales. They are the only people on my mums side that we talk to. She has other brothers and sisters although I have never met them, and mum hasn't spoken to them for almost 25 years. So no help there :/

My dad said that he will help, even though they are divorced they are still friends. So that is a positive.

I'm just worried, I feel as though something will go wrong and we will be back to square one again.

Also, my mum drinks. She always has done. My biggest fear is that she will drink herself to an early grave or if she gets depressed (which she has done in the past) that she could...you know... well doesn't bare thinking about really.

So, yesterday. That is what I wanted to talk about. Sorry for the long winded, quite depressing story. I probably put more than you wanted to know. Sorry bout that. I just need to get some things of my chest. Perhaps if I write about them, then the answer may become clearer. Who knows?

Well, she was pretty distraught last night. Cried for ages. Said some things that I won't repeat but it was a tough night. She started packing her bags. It was not pleasant. I convinced her to listen to her partners suggestion. I get on well enough with him, despite the fact that he is an absolute nob. He was prepared to compromise, she was too upset to reason clearly, so I had to coax her out of her state to listen to what he had to say. In the end they seemed to agree on what to do. It is a good compromise. Hopefully things will begin to improve.


Well. Sorry for that everyone. I didn't mean to ramble on about my problems.

I will try to post some happier things.


Love,
J xx

Alexander -- part 3 [ii]

Due to the fact that part three was too long, I split it into two and here is the second part.

---

"Hey Charlie, come sit over here," I said. He nodded, picked his chair up shuffled over.

"So..." he said, adopting the classic Charlie pose, of rolling back on the legs of the chair. He balanced precariously on the back two legs and put his hands behind his head.

"Looks the old trout," he said, (that would be Mrs. O'Connor and was our nick name for her).

"Won't be teaching us much more today. Like we learn anything in this class anyway!" I agreed. We then started discussing the rugby match Charlie had participated in the previous day.

"We slaughtered them, fifty-six to twelve. I scored a hat trick. Ben converted them," he said smiling; he liked to win and would always to talk about it for days after. "There was this prob, a real animal. He kept running at Jake and Mike, the little guys, you know. Well, it was about half way through the second half," I nodded interested. Whilst not a rugby player myself, I still enjoy hearing Charlie's stories.

"I think we had about ten minutes left and again this prop runs at Mike. He ran right through him, Mike went down. Then he was running at me and I wasn't going to be run through. I went in for the tackle. He didn't stand a chance." He laughed.

"I picked him up like a baby and drove him into the turf," he clapped his hands and chuckled. I laughed at his stories; he always got really over dramatic and acted them out.

"Was he ok?" said a voice, soft as falling snow. It was Alexander, Charlie had completely forgotten he was even there, so engrossed was he in regaling the story.

"Hmmm?" he asked.

"Was he ok?" Alexander repeated.

"Oh yeah, he was fine, probably a bit bruised though!" Alexander looked horrified.

I was getting the impression that Alexander was not into contact sports. The way he seemed to draw himself into a ball as Mrs. O'Connor shouted and the way he seemed, if not scared then worried about the thought of getting hurt. This was an attitude I had not come across before. Here, if you were thought to be weak or scared then the older boys made sure that that attitude was beaten out of you. I myself had come home supporting sore ribs or a split lip on numerous occasions. Alexander did not seem to fit into the system at all. I hoped that he would learn. The thought of him being beaten up sent knots of anger coursing through me. I silently vowed that I would let nothing would ever happen to him.

"Not a rugby player then?" said Charlie to Alexander, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"No," he replied quietly. The sound of his voice every time I heard it made me feel warm inside.

The people around us, getting bored with the shouting match going on at the front of the classroom had remembered Alexander. Sharron and Mrs. O'Connor's match had not ceased nor calmed down. Alexander was getting more and more attention. He slowly seemed to be getting smaller and smaller in his chair. He had seemed to be opening up to me earlier. But that looked as though it was going to be ruined. When some of the girls came over and sat on our table right in front of him and started bombarding him with questions, he sat there looking at the floor in silence. I felt as though I had to protect him. I answered as many of their questions that I could, despite my limited knowledge. The ones that I couldn't answer he merely shrugged. Eventually, realising that they weren't going to get an answer they started talking more to me and Charlie. Even though I was a bit of a "geek", I was liked because I was a nice person and didn't have a problem helping anyone. I built a reputation as someone that people could rely on. I often helped people with their homework and I knew the right thing to say to make someone feel better. Whilst Charlie and I joked with everyone, Alexander sat tracing the line of the wood-grain on the table. I felt concerned. When Charlie launched into a dramatic re-enactment of a try he had scored at the rugby match, drawing every one's attention. I meanwhile leaned over to Alexander.

"Hey, you ok?" I asked. Silence. "Come on, Alexander. They are just being friendly."

"I know," he said, so quietly that it was almost inaudible

"Then what's the matter?" I asked sincerely.

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding. He was still looking at the table. I wasn't convinced although I dropped the topic, convinced that I would ask him more later. Charlie at that moment was trying to explain to Jess the finer points of punching someone in the face. She laughed shrilly.

"Will you all just shut up?!" Came a shout from the front of the classroom, it permeated the general din of the room and got every ones attention. It was Mrs. O'Connor. She had finished her argument with Sharron and had sent her out. Perhaps Sharron had stormed out. I didn't really care. This whole episode of the argument, everyone crowding round Alexander and the dramatic rugby re-enactments had lasted around ten minutes. The lesson wasn't going very well. Surprisingly however, Mrs. O'Connor managed to assemble some form of order. After several brief shouting sessions, she had managed to get everyone back to reading Shakespeare.

"Alexander?" I asked, when Geoff and Alice were reading, poorly.

"Yes Josh," he whispered.

"You'll get used to being here, I promise. It takes a few days to settle in. Not all the teachers are like this one. We have French next, with Mr. Shelly, and I'm sure he will make you feel more welcome." He smiled. There it was again, that feeling.

"Thanks Josh. Its just so different here." He had opened up again, I concluded that he didn' t like big crowds of people he didn't know.

"What was your old school like?" I asked.

"Small. It was the local village school," he explained. I understood. It must have been a nice environment. Where everyone knows everyone else.
"I liked it there," he continued. "I don't really understand why we had to move here in the first place. But I suppose there was one good thing.

"What's that?"

"Well, I would never have met you." My heart jolted. "Now shouldn't we be reading this?"

"I suppose so," I said, glowing. I looked back down to the book, I could see his neat handwriting along the edge of the text. It looked so neat and perfect. I tried concentrating. But I couldn't think of anything else but him. His smile, his hair, his eyes and lips. I leaned back, my thoughts racing. There was something deep inside me shouting.

"Alexander, Alexander, Alexander," it shouted. I knew what it was. It was my heart and it was calling. I didn't know whether I could or even if I wanted to resist it.

---

Well that concludes part three. Look back for part four, in which Alexander will suffer a twist that will shake all that he has known.

Love,

J xxx

Pictures

I thought that it would be good to post a few pictures :)

Here are a few pics of a boy called Jay Carpenter. A friend who goes by the name Southern sent them to me. I give him credit for finding these. Don't you agree he is quite attractive? :)

Love,

J xx

Alexander -- part 3 [i]

Here is the third installment of my story. Hope you all enjoy...

---

The rest of the day seemed like a blur to me.

Having arrived almost fifteen minutes late for English and having forgotten my copy of "Romeo and Juliet", Mrs. O'Connor was not happy. After we entered, she drilled us for five minutes on the importance of punctuality and having the right equipment. Then she noticed Alexander.

"Oh! And who might you be, young man?" she asked.

"I'm Alexander ma'am," he replied angelically.

"Well Alexander, I hope that you have the right equipment?" she asked harshly.

"Yes, I think so ma'am," he said taking out his copy of 'Romeo and Juliet'. He showed it to her.

"Excellent, I glad to see someone has the right equipment," she said glaring daggers at me. I lowered my head so as to not look at her piercing grey eyes.

"Well, don't stand here like a pair of lemons. Sit down!"

"Sorry," I said giving Alexander a gentle shove in the direction of an empty desk, towards the back of the classroom. We sat. Whilst the exchange between Alexander, myself and the old trout O'Connor, the eyes of every member of my form were scrutinising Alexander. Hushed conversations were going on all over the room. Alexander kindly let me share his copy of the text, which appeared to be annotated fully and comprehensively.

"Wow," I whispered. "You've done loads more than we have."

"We did it last year," he replied turning the page. We were reading the dramatic ending of the play and I would normally have become absorbed by the intricacies and drama of the two lovers. The same could not be said for the rest of the form. They hated Shakespeare. Today, however my mind would not focus on the play as Alexander was sitting so close to me. I could hear his soft breathing and occasionally when we reached the end of a page, his hand would brush again mine. When this happened it felt as if electric shocks were jumping between our flesh. When Mrs. O'Connor asked me a question about the significance of something I looked blankly back at her. Alexander whispered something and I repeated it.

"Very good, Josh," she said.

"Thanks for that," I said as Mrs O'Connor started shouting at someone. It was Sharron and apparently she wasn't paying attention.

"That's Ok," Alexander said.

Whatever Sharron had done, it wasn't to Mrs. O'Connor's liking. She was really shouting at her. What Mrs. O'Connor didn't understand was that Sharron loved to argue and would do so at any given opportunity. Therefore, she shouted back which in turn caused Mrs. O'Connor to shout even louder.

Charlie, my best friend, took the opportunity to lean over, he was sitting at the table next to ours.

"Hey Josh, who's the new kid?" He asked. He wasn't know for his subtlety.

"This is Alexander," I said to Charlie. "He is starting today and Mr. Shelly told me to show him around and stuff."

"Oh, right then. Well hi," he said, this time to Alexander. He muttered some response that sounded like a greeting. He seemed all of a sudden to have gone shy again. He was looking down at the book on the table and seemed to be hunched up. He may have felt intimidated by Charlie. He was tall and broad. He could seem to be quite aggressive at times although I knew, to his annoyance that he was actually a rather gentle soul.

"Shy fella," Charlie whispered, I nodded.

"WHAT? Do you think this lesson is a waste of time?! Don't you think that I have better things to do with my valuable time than to teach girls like you? Ungrateful, disruptive annoying little brats?!" Shouted Mrs. O'Connor.

"Ha! Well if you don't want to be here, why don't you leave? It would be way better in here without you. No one wants to learn about stupid plays written by stupid people," replied Sharron shouting just as loud. Everyone laughed. A vein throbbed in Mrs. O'Connor's temple. They were both as bad as each other, I knew then that this argument was going to last a long time. I blotted out their screaming.

---

Here is the first section of part 3.

These first few parts are meant to establish the characters and settings. The juicy bits come later. So if you can cope with this for now, you will be rewarded with the more exciting bits soon.

Love,

J xxx

I wonder....

I have this friend at school, let us call him Oliver (hhmm I like that name..). We are quite good friends, he is in my German and Mathematics set. I like him. He has bright blond hair and blue eyes. He is quite attractive. He keeps hinting to me, whether I am over imagining or looking too much into them I don't know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he may be gay, or bi. He had a girlfriend for almost a year, someone who I am quite close to also. She is a lovely girl :]

Anywhoo..today before my German Exam [which I aced], he walked down to where we were all standing and as per usual I greeted him. Then he said

"Hi, is was going to grab your ass but you turned round." Interesting no?

Then I chuckled nervously, although I don't think anyone noticed. We also call each other "babe" but in a strictly jokey way....or is it!??

I wouldn't say he was a particularly effeminate boy, but he is not overly masculine. He always blipped on my "gaydar" -- if it even exists --. But today I was certainly intrigued more than normal.

So, I decided to go out on a limb......

Got you guessing eh??

Ponder and guess whilst looking at these cuties:

Hehe, did I keep you guessing?

Well, it was nothing serious, although it was very pleasant.

We were walking up the stairs and I held out my hand, wondering if he would take it. He did. No hesitation, no confused look. Then I wondered how long he would hold on for. It was all the way up and round the corner. To me it seemed like quite a long time, for a straight boy to hold on. We were chatting as well and laughing.

"Why are we still holding hands?" He asked, eventually.

I just smiled.

So, I think there may be more to Oliver than meets the eye. Although the eye does not go wanting. Hehe, I like that phrase its cute.

The more I think about this, the more it seems to be a quite plausible hypothesis:
Yesterday we were playing "footsie."

Instead of high-fiving or just saying hello, he always hugs me in greeting.

We frequently wink at each other, I don't even know why?!

As I said he calls me "babe".

The jokes he comes out with, seem to often involve homosexuality or something similar.

Apart from his previous girlfriend, I haven't seen him looking at any girls.

Oh!! At our prom, he insisted on dancing with me for a brief period.

He complements me quite a lot.

This may be looking to much into it, but I think he gives me "that" smile. I hope you understand what I mean by that :]


Well everyone...that's the story for today!! :D


It would be really nice if Oliver turned out to be gay or bi.

*fingers crossed*



Love,



J xxx

Abstract thoughts

I dunno why, but I have been really into poetry the last few days. I'm reading "Lamia", by John Keats, and I thought that I would post a poem I wrote today. It is quite abstract and I don't really know what I was feeling when I wrote this, but its deep and a bit different.

Fallen Galaxies

The Soul of my world toils over

turbulent seas and endless darkness

barren expanses stretch forever

beneath untold crowds of silent watchers

Gliding slowly searching for a trace

lost by countless falling dancers

telling of great golden cities torn asunder

by greying lamentations of a silent moon

Tales of old Kings and changing Gods

slip unknown from wandering bards

travelling nameless passages of light

under blank canopies of fallen stars.

This poem, means something...not sure what but I know it does.


Love you all,


J xxx

Dreams

What do we dream about? Well, I certainly know that at the moment I dream of being with someone. I dream of waking up to see their smile and kiss their cheek. This poem I wrote a while back talks about my dreams of someone. But I think the underlying message is that even these dreams are simply dreams:

A Dream Of A Dream

I wake longing for your haunting touch

my thoughts unkissed by your tenderness

lie in tatters beneath a blank canvas,

your ethereal light, golden in my eyes

wanes, shadowed by a purple sunrise

whilst slender fingers slip from mine

leaving nothing but the ghosts of my

unending, enduring dreams of you.

What do you all think?

Loads of love,

J xxx

My first kiss

Well, good evening everybody. I have a bit of time on my hands tonight, so I thought I would tell you all about an event that has shaped my life and will live in my memories for ever. This is my first kiss :)

I was 10 at the time, he was 11. He was my best friend and his name was Tom. I think it was the holidays and he had come over to my house to play. We were watching a film in the sitting room, my parents had gone out or were upstairs, I can't remember. My dog was with us, (he is a big German Shepard and I love him dearly). We were sitting next to each other on the sofa. I can't recall what we were watching. But I remember him, he had brown hair and brown eyes.
I think he was wearing a football shirt, he supported Manchester United. We lived on the same street and he had a sister, called Sally-Anne or Mary-Anne or something like that. It was a double barrelled name. We became good friends, and used to plat football or go cycling when ever we could. He was a good friend.

Anyway, we were on the sofa and somehow I ended up lying with my head on his lap. I don't remember why or how but I remember looking up into his face. Then I had an urge. I don't know why, I don't understand what caused it. To this day, I have no idea how I found the courage to do this, but suddenly I sat up.

"What you doing?" He asked.

And then I kissed him.

Just like that, right on the lips for a couple of seconds.
I can't remember what happened next. He didn't start beating me up or never spoke to me again. I don't think he ran home scared or anything but we never kissed or "did" anything again even though we remained friends. I like to think that he smiled and said:
"That was nice." or something like that. But most probably he looked at me and asked what I was doing!
Hehe, well it was cute at least the way I remember it to be.

I like to look back on that memory of mine and smile. He was the first person I ever kissed on the lips on purpose, (kisses when you are a toddler don't count). I meant to kiss him. I think it was then that my real nature, my "gay side" first came out. I didn't realise it and it was several years before I understood what that kiss meant but I always think that that was the best kiss I have ever had. Maybe my memory has distorted the actual happenings a little bit, but to me it was perfect. I have only kissed one other boy since and that one didn't even come close to Tom.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that little excerpt of my life.

Love,

J xx

Alexander -- part 2

Well it seemed as though the first part went down quite well, so here is the second part.

My posts seem to be getting longer and longer at the moment!!

---

I reached the office around two and a half minutes later and knocked on the old oak panelled door.

"Come in," came a voice from inside. I pushed open the door. The main office was a spacious room, with a desk where the school receptionist, Mrs. Jones sat. She was a nice old lady with large round glasses and was very well spoken. I liked her a lot.

"Good morning dear, how can I help you?" She asked smiling warmly.

"Hi, I'm here to get Alexander. Mr. Shelly said that he was joining our form and asked me to show him around."

"Oh lovely. The poor dear has been in there for the best part of an hour. I'm sure he will appreciate the company, he is right in there," she said pointing to the door that led to the waiting room. I thanked her and walked past the desk. The other things that occupied this space were several large filing cabinets, containing God knows what and a large section in the corner of the room had been given up to house the copious amounts of lost property. I glanced at the mound of old P.E shirts, odd shoes and battered hockey sticks and wondered how so many things could be lost. I went over to the door, glanced back at Mrs. Jones, who sat beaming at me and turned the handle. The waiting room is a small room comprising of five or six small armchairs spread around the room, with a small coffee table in the centre, on which I noticed was a brochure about the school, and a bag, presumably the property of Alexander. It was empty save for Alexander, who sat in one of the chairs furthest away from the door, reading. He hadn't noticed that I had just entered. Despite being small, the room has a large window overlooking the playing field. Sunlight streamed through it bathing Alexander in an orange glow. I coughed politely.

"Oh!" he exclaimed and jumped at least a foot in the air. The book he had been reading went flying across the small space. It landed at my feet. He must have really been enjoying that book, I concluded.

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't hear the door." He was shy. That was the first thing I noticed about him. He was not looking at me, he had his head down, eyes cast on the floor. He spoke in a quiet, hushed manner. All I could see of him was a head of bright, golden, blond hair.

"That's ok," I said picking the book up, 'Pride and Prejudice,' it said in italics on the front cover. Interesting, I didn't most boys in my school had even heard of Jane Austin, let alone have read any of her novels.

"Hi," I said. "I'm Josh, your Alexander right?"

At the mention of his name, he looked up for the first time. My mouth dropped open. My heart started racing and I could feel butterflies starting to flutter in my tummy. But I didn't understand why. All he had done was to look at me. Weird.

"Yes, I'm Alexander," he said and smiled. Again my heart leaped.

There was something about his smile that made me blushed. He noticed. "Erm, nice to meet you," I said. I walked over to him, and held out my hand. He shook it. Who knew that shaking hands could feel so intimate. His hand felt sleek and warm in mine. I didn't understand what was going on. I mean I knew that I was shaking hands with the new boy. But deep down, inside me, I could feel fireworks exploding purple and silver, sending shivers rocketing up my spine.

"Nice to meet you too Josh," Alexander said. There it was again, that shiver. He had a nice voice. It must have been in the midst of breaking. Not overly high deep, it seemed to me just the right pitch. He looked directly at me and I got to see his features close up, for the first time. His face was small and delicate. He had very brown eyes and extremely long lashes which would not have looked out of place on a girl. His nose was slightly crooked, demonstrating that he had broken it at some point. I wondered how. His lips were full and rosy. He stood as he took my hand and I noticed that he was a good three inches shorter than me. Not a dwarf by anyone standards but not small either. His uniform was in pristine condition, his tie a perfect Windsor knot and you could see your face in his shoes they were so shiny. He didn't look he belonged in my gritty comprehensive school. He looked almost like something straight out of a Dickens novel.

"Welcome to our school," I said, trying desperately not to stare at him. "Your going to be in my form, there is about twenty of us, we are all nice. First period today is English and you are taking the same subjects as me so I'll show you around and where to go. We have Mr. Shelly as a form tutor, he teaches French and is a bit crazy but you get used to him." I was generally trying to make conversation. He nodded as I spoke, smiling when I described Mr. Shelly. That smile, there was something about it that I couldn't get out of my mind. The image of it seemed to be seared into my mind.

"Sounds good," He said. "But Josh, you can let go of my hand now if you want."

"Oh sorry! Got carried away talking," I said blushing crimson. I didn't want to let go of his hand. "Oh and I think that this is yours," I handed him his book back. I was wondering why I hadn't let go of his hand. This was getting too weird.

"Thanks," he pocketed it.

"So the Alexander, what brings you to this neck of the woods?" I asked.

"Well, my dad has new job, something to do with computers," he shrugged. "So it means moving, new town, new house and new school. That's why I'm here." I liked him already, even if he was still a bit shy. I could really see him and me becoming friends. I had a few friends, but none apart from Charlie who really knew me very well. He's been my friend as long as I can remember. We went to the same junior school, and spent most of the summer together. He was tall almost six foot with short black hair and green eyes. He played sport and was a real "jock", he played number eight for the first XI rugby and he swam for the local team even at the age of fifteen. I did wonder sometimes why he hung around with me. I was a very bookish boy. Always top of the class and absolutely hopeless at sport, I was generally regarded as a bit of a "geek". I also wear glasses, so that again adds to the stigma and general stereotype. I recently adopted wearing contacts. I'm of average height, five foot eight and I have mid length dusty blond hair. My mum calls it mousy brown. She still thinks I'm her baby and has a habit of whipping out the baby pictures at the slightest possible occasion. Poor Charlie must have seen those photos of my in hideous baby grows and in the bath dozens of times. It was really embarrassing sometimes.

"So Josh," said Alexander quietly, bringing me back from my day dreaming. We had taken the long route to English around the outside of the school, down the terrace in order to enjoy the sunshine.

"Hmm?" I replied.

"What sort of things are there to do around here, you know, clubs and things?" He seemed to be getting more confident around me by the minute.

"Well, there is a variety of sports. Such as rugby, hockey, swimming and tennis etc. Or there is stuff like chess and drama if that's your thing. What sort of things are you into to?" I smiled. He returned it.

"Well, I used to swim," he said. As soon as he said this, I had a mental image of him in a pair of speedos, gliding effortlessly through the water. I shook my head, trying to expel the image. What is going on!? I thought.

"Yeah? Cool, my friend Charlie is on the swim team. I'll introduce you in a minute and perhaps he can get you in with the coach or something."

"That would be brilliant, thank you."

"No problem."

We carried on chatting as we walked down the terrace, bathed in glorious sunshine. Its golden rays bounced off Alexanders golden locks. He turned to me as we reached the end of the terrace and smiled.

"Thanks Josh," he said.

It was going to be a good day, I thought.

---

Well, that concludes part 2.

Check back soon for part 3.

Love,

J xxx

Alexander -- part 1

Well guys, I did say that I would post some of my writings. This is the first part, the very beginning of a story, simply called Alexander. It is set in a school, in a city. It tells the story of two boys and the blossoming relationship between them. Let me know what you think, and whether you want to keep reading it:


It was Monday morning, again. I walked down the corridor at school, towards my form room. I had my arms wrapped tightly around my history folder. The hallway was chilly and I willed my legs to warm up, stupid British weather I thought. It was nearing nine o'clock, and I was late. Normally, I am one of the first people to arrive in the mornings, but today time seemed to have slipped out of my grasp. I walked into the form room, just as my name was being called by our teacher, Mr. Shelly.

"Yes Sir," I said as I hurried to unpack my things and listen to Mr. Shelly give the morning announcements. I waved in greeting to my best friend Charlie, who was as usual rocking back on his chair. He smiled and waved back, almost falling. I smirked. The notices sounded much the same as normal: Meetings, room-changes, lost property and the special in the cafeteria, which apparently was Chicken Korma. Pretty much all of it was drivel and I purposefully didn't listen. And as an extra Monday morning treat, there was a message from our glorious leader, Dr. Miller, the head.

"Finally, Dr. Miller would like me to pass on this message," Mr Shelly said. There was a groan from everyone. He ignored it. " 'I trust you all had restful and productive weekends. But I have noticed that the standard of uniform has dropped. I would expect that all of you will endeavour to stay as smart as possible all the time, not just upon arriving at school in the morning!' So then, guys lets really make the effort this week ok?" As he finished the bell sounded, loud and piercing.

It hurt my head.

"Right then, see you all this afternoon."

There was a general moving and scraping of chairs and bags, as everyone trooped off to first period. While all this was occurring, I was delving into the abyss I call my locker having already deposited my history folder on top of the nearest bookshelf. I was desperately trying to find my copy of Romeo and Juliet for English, which was first period. The last time that I left it at home, I thought my teacher was going to have a fit. She doesn't like it when people do not have the "appropriate and correct equipment", I think she believes we are all on a personal vendetta against her. Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Josh," said Mr. Shelly. "Can I have a word?"

"Err, sure thing Sir," I said turning around to face him. I caught Charlie's eye and he mouthed "Hurry up". Then he was gone, carried off by the mob that is the rest of my form. I looked back into the plump face of my tutor. He is a nice old guy, of around 45. He wears tacky suits that looks like something from the 60's and has little hair on his head despite telling us that it will grow back. He was a good form tutor and someone you could always approach if there was a problem.

"Why were you so late today, Josh?" He asked. "Normally you are one of the people that I can guarantee to be in their seats on time."

"Yeah, sorry about that Sir, got a bit held up this morning," I said, hoping he wouldn't press the matter further.

"Oh, Ok then. Just make sure that it doesn't become a regular occurrence." He said, I merely stood there and nodded.

"Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about."

I was getting conscious of the time, English was approaching fast, and I did not want to be late a second time in one morning. Already the classroom was empty.

"Well, what did you want to talk about Sir?" I asked.

"Well, I thought I would ask you first as you are one of the most reliable lads in our lively bunch, wouldn't you agree Josh?"

"Well, I suppose so Sir," I said reluctantly.

"Of course you are, don't be modest. We have a new boy starting today and I was wondering whether you would be willing to show him the school, and just generally introduce him to the form. It must be quite daunting for him, coming from a small village somewhere in the Cotswolds. I think our way of doing things here may be a bit of a shock to his system. With it being the first day and all. I believe he is taking the same subjects as you and is timetabled to be in the same sets. Therefore, I thought you would be the best bet for showing him the ropes. What do you say?"

I thought about it. I was a bit sudden, and it was still only Monday morning. Did I really want an extra burden? But then I supposed it would be interesting to meet somebody new and he would probably be a nice person.

"Yeah Sir, that would be ok with me," I said smiling.

He clapped his hands triumphantly. "Wonderful! Well then," he said glancing down at his watch.

"Hmm...It would appear that he, Alexander I think is his name, is currently in the office. Why don't you go and introduce yourself. I believe that you have English first period, is that correct?" He had a slight lisp when saying certain words, it was not very prominent, but it was occasionally noticeable. Funny, I had never noticed that before.

"Yes Sir, I do. I was just getting my books." I indicated towards the lockers and my wide open bag on the table.

"Oh yes of course. Well Josh, finish getting your things together and then make your way down to the office. Be nice and show him where everything is et cetera. I will see you and our new friend this afternoon. Well, chop chop!" He smiled and then turned on his heel and strode out of the room. He was a strange character.

Quickly I threw my stuff into my bag, forgoing the search for my copy of Romeo and Juliet, I'll take my chances, I thought.
The office was about three minutes away, and there was exactly less than one minute before first period started.
It would appear that I was going to be late for old hag, Mrs. O'Connor's lesson after all.



Well, that's the first little bit.

Hope its not too boring, the next bit is certainly more exciting. We meet Alexander and find out about a bit more about Josh and Charlie.

Love,


J xx

Spread the Love

Earlier, I looked at the topic of beauty.
I have been thinking a lot about love recently too. Well, mainly because I want somebody :/
But the concept of love is an interesting one. I find it intriguing the way that two people, who are born at different times in different places, have different sets of chromosomes and like completely different things, can fall in love. They form a bond, in many cases which cannot be broken. It supersedes all other emotions, whilst they may still argue displaying emotions of anger or loathing, somehow they will seem to come back together again. It is almost as if the two are connected by an invisible tether that is unbreakable.
But where does love come from? Are there different types of love?

The second question is much easier to answer. It is a categorical yes, there are in fact three different types of love. Let us explore these:

The first is Eros. This is erotic love. It is a very physical love, and one that is expressed through sex and physical expressions of love. I'm sure we have all felt that physical, sexual urge to be with someone. That's eros kicking in!

The second is a more subtle form, called Philos. This is the love shown between friends. It is true that all relationships both sexual and non sexual start out as a friendship. This form of love makes you want to spend time with people, simply because you enjoy spending time with them. This love is apparent between friends, siblings and colleagues.

The third type of love, that theologians and philosophers have named is Agape. This is unconditional love. This love is the sort of love a mother will have for her child, or if we look to the religious world, the sort of love that God demonstrates to his subjects. Agape is the one type of love that people would die for and is the one type of
love that people will try above all else to keep.

These three types of love, have been distinguished by theologians and they form a basis for the understanding of feelings one person may have for another. The first question that popped into my head as I started typing this, was where does love come from? My initial thought was, well surely it must just exist. Separate from everything else. LOVE. But then maybe the world is saturated with love, and the love we feel is the love that generally surrounds us, like a cloud. But that sounds a bit weird. Perhaps it is more deeply rooted within us. Do we all contain a certain desire and capacity for love, both an animalistic urge and a spiritual ache for companionship. This companion is often referred to as a "soul mate".

But how can you tell if the person you perhaps bump into in the supermarket is possibly your soul mate? The old cliche "Love at first sight" seems appropriate here and maybe it is true. Maybe when you meet the person, then some part of you will know, perhaps your two souls intertwine, perhaps they give of some kind of mystical energy (and no, I'm not crazy!!! :D:D), or maybe you don't know instantly. Perhaps it takes time for the realisation to occur.
It must be like the realisation that you are gay. You don't just know, it takes time for you to come to terms with it, and understand it implications. During this period perhaps it is when we begin to understand who we really are. Our souls may know, but perhaps we don't for reasons, I cannot explain.

But we do know when we are in love I would say. I think that the falling in love process may be more subtle and may perhaps go undetected, but once you are in love and you know you are then everything changes. Now as a mere 16 year old boy, I don' t really think that I have experienced true love. I have experienced infatuation, but not true love. Or perhaps I have, and I haven't realised it yet. Maybe that love is lurking, deeply rooted in my subconsciousness and ready to one day pop up and say

"YOOOHOO!!! Here I am!"

These emotions we have for other people are strange ones. I don't think anyone can ever exactly say where love comes from, but we can certainly feel its effects.

I think and I really do believe that when you are in love you know it. Whether it is Eros, Philos or Agape that love will be apparent to you, and when you find your soul mate, I hope that both you and I realise it, grab them and never let them go.

Well another rant about a topic that I can only scratch the surface of!!

Do you guys like posts like this??

Love, J
xx

little things make the world go round

Hmmm...sitting in bed again (seem to post the most when I am in bed...weird).
Thought you guys might want to know a little bit more about me :]

well:

1. My star sign is Libra - The scales

2. I play the piano :]

3. I have 3 cats

4. I am scared of falling from a great height :/

5. My favourite colour is ORANGE

6. I have brown hair and blue eyes.

7. Im 5'11

8. I sleep on my side

9. My favourite food is pizza :D

10. My favourite pizza topping is: cheese, tomato, olive and pepper!

11. I love watching sport -diving and gymnastics though...hehe

12. When I was younger I wanted to be a vet and an astronaut.

13. My favourite subject at school is either English or Religious Studies

14. My ipod is silver

15. My parents are divorced

16. My mum loves playing snap, although I despise that game

17. I like the rain

18. I love walking on the beach and I want to live on the coast when I am older

19. I once tried surfing and nearly killed myself! :O fun though

20. I speak German and a little bit of French

21. I want to go to New Zealand and India

22. I have read the Harry Potter series 3 times all the way through.

23. I absolutely hate CHEMISTRY

24. My favourite TV programme is Heroes

25. I h8 it wen pple use txt tlk!!

26. I am good at badminton and squash

27. I suck at football

28. My favourite Krispy Kreme doghnut is the maple one :P

29. My favourite fruit is strawberry

30. I have marmite on my toast

31. The background on my computer is a cityscape of Paris at night :D

32. My most shameful CD is Hilary Duff :)

33. My favourite foreign film is La Vie En Rose

34. The longest word I have ever got into a conversation is institutionalisation

35. I like waking up to bird song

36. My favourite bird is the snowy owl

37. The best book I read about coming out is a book called "Centre of My World", by Andreas Steinhofel

38 My favourite number is 3 (because Its magic :] )

39. I think braces are cute

40. I have size 9 feet

41. My favourite bookmark has a picture of Garfield the cat on it

42. I have never broken a bone

43. My favourite biscuits are ginger nuts

44. When I played rugby for my school I was a second row forward

45. I have a thing for tummies :]

46. I wear a watch on my right hand

47. I am left handed - Woo go leftys!!

48. My favourite thing from starbucks is a Grande Hazelnut Hot chocolate with wipped cream!!

49. my cartoon character is Jerry from Tom and Jerry.

50. Oh yeah and I'm gay (but you guys already new that!!)

well everyone, thats 50 little facts about me :P
hope y'all enjoyed them

Love,

J xx

Coming out....

Well, then. Good evening everyone.
Its 19:12 at the moment, and I am sitting on the sofa with Jack (my cat) and watching some cooking programme with my grandma.
Its been a relatively good day on the whole.
My cousins came over and we had some soup for lunch :]

The reason for this post is I wanted to talk about the people that know I'm gay. Recently I have been wondering whether or not I should come out...properly. I hate all this lying. A few times people have asked me seriously whether I am gay, and I have always denied it. I'm embarrassed, even though I accept it, I am scared what the reaction will be. When I was younger there was this rumour circulating that I was gay and a "boy lover", but that was when I didn't understand the feelings I was having. Obviously other people noticed but I did not!!

But there are some people who do know that I am gay. The first is my dad. (not my Step-dad!!)

He guessed. :/

One day he came into my room, sat on the bed and said,
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah," I replied, wondering what could be up.
"Are you gay?" Just like that, blurted it out. I was stunned. What do I do, what should I say. So i panicked, "
"What if I am." Oh shit. That wasn't the right thing to say. So he knows now. Whats he gonna do, I bet he is going to throw me out. I was getting really upset by this point.
"That's cool," he said. I wasn't expecting that at all!! I was expecting a massive shout about how that is not natural etc.. But no. it was Cool apparently.

The next thing on my mind was how. How had he guessed? Well, when I asked him, he said.
"Well, you have never brought a girl home, and you do seem to look at boys more than girls." Pretty simple no? Anyway so that was how my dad found out.

There are also two people at school that know. One of my old friends, (who I do not really talk to anymore). I told her, well it sort of slipped out because she asked me out!! I didn't know what to say, so I said:
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't fancy you," I replied.
"Why not?"
"Your just not my type," - now, is it just me or was that a bit obvious??
"OH!!" There the penny had dropped. "So you are...."
"...yes"
"Oh my God!!"
There you have it, that was her. Now I had told her and she seemed to be accepting also. She did not seem to understand why I am gay. She understands that a man and woman can have a relationship, but two boys..it didn't gel with her very well, at first. Later she understood it more and accepts me now.
So that brings me back onto my first question:
Should I come out?? I dunno. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

I have tried a couple of times to tell some people that I trust, but as I go to say it, something stops me, I get butterflies and I just can't do it!! :/

Anyone got any thoughts??


Lots of lovely love,

J xx

Comme ci, comme ça

I'm feeling pretty indifferent. Don't really care.
Been slouched at home all day. Done some revision. Chemistry!! :/ not fun.
Played solitaire...didn't win. Oh well.
Hmm...I'm sitting at my desk looking out of the window, and its raining. I like watching rain, the way it falls so constant and envelopes everything it touches.
Maybe I should keep posting :) it is strangely therapeutic, all this blogging and watching the rain.

The reason I started this blog, was really because I wanted somewhere where I could write down my thoughts and feelings. A diary...hmm would have been awkward, what If my step dad found it? He wouldn't be a happy chappy.
(Bit of info on my step dad: He is an old school guy. Doesn't like animals, children or GAYS, so I don't think he would be impressed if he found out. Mid forties, short, fat and pretty much grumpy 24/7. My mum doesn't really like him anymore. I get on OK with him, but he gets on my nerves)
Anyway, so this blog allows me to express myself through words, a medium I love!! I wanted to be an author for a brief period when I was younger. I wonder if I will ever write a book? What would it be about?
Perhaps I should post some short stories? That's a good idea....I may act upon that. Lol!
I also like the way that other people can read my thoughts and feelings and yet their still remain private thoughts somehow. Does that make sense? Probably not...
I love the way that I can just be myself on this blog, I can write down what I really feel even if I couldn't tell it to anyone. So everyone keep chatting :)

Love,
J

Beauty

Beauty is a fickle thing.

Those who are beautiful are those who are admired, longed after and loved. We live in a soceity where beauty denotes a sense of power and of wealth.

But what is beauty? I believe that it is not something that we can touch or grab hold of. We see the effects of beauty. We cannot hold beauty in our hands but we can hold something/someone who is beautiful in our hands. At the moment it is interesting to hear people on the television or the stage described as "beautiful". But how can we quantify beauty? Is it something that we can measure by the number of sexual partners we have? Or perhaps it is defined by the number of friends we have, either in the form of friends we see everday and are really close to, or those whom we are friends with on facebook. Maybe it is simply the effect that we have on other people. You could say that the person you fancy and fantasise about is a beautiful person. But this then highlights another question. Is one person absolutely beautiful? Is one person beautiful in every sense?

I would have to disagree. For one person, their idea of beauty may be completely different from the opinion of another person. I think that it all depends on personal preference and choice. I think that the boys depicted below are beautiful, but many might disagree with this.

But why?

Is it something to do with our genetic makeup, that attracts us to a certain type of person, either boy or girl. Even though I am gay, I most certainly think that many girls are extremely beautiful or stunning. But male and female beauty are two different things.

Ancient peoples thought that the true attribute of beauty was symmetry. The Taj Mahal is categorically a very beautiful building. This is widely though to be due to its almost perfectly symettrical shape. This had led people to argue that this must mean that people with symmetrical features are beautiful people. Physiologists have also argued that women with a waist to hip ratio of 0.70 are beautiful.

Male beauty. What can I write about this? I can only give you what I think consits of a beautiful boy. The criteria are as follows :]

I think that the first thing about a boy I notice is their hair. I love hair, I think that it defines a person. I have to say that I find floppy hair the most attracitve, whilst I have to say that boys with spikey hair have a certain "je ne sais quois"! Next comes the eyes. Hazel are my personal favourite, however, any boy with magical eyes that seem to draw you in is beautiful in my books. The rest of the face would have a flawless quality about it, with full lips and a subtle not overly pointed or bulging nose. After the face comes the rest of the body. I think that any body that is in proportion, not overly chubby is good. And of course, a nice bum is called for!!

Well, thats about it. quite a long one today. Hope you didn't mind my little rant! I'll try to write more on this topic soon. Keep checking! Im going to try and post as often as I can.

I will leave you with a few pictures of a few beautiful boys

Peace out!

J

Hehe! :-]

Had a good day, so I thought that a few nice pictures were called for!

Him...

You know that feeling you get when that boy you really like walks past and you get butterflies?

I got that in bundles today, there is this boy at school that I REALLY like. Today I was going into the English Block and he walked right past me and smiled. Jeesh!!!

I almost melted on the spot.

We are friends and I talk to him when I can. He has blue eyes and amazing hair, sort of floppy but swept to the side and ruffled and messy at the back. He has really really nice arms (I have a thing for nice arms) and a lovely back.

I know that he has a Girlfriend. :-[ Should I still fantasise about him? Is it o.k still to give him that smile that I give him whenever he walks past? A sort of cheeky flirtatious smile that I give to very few people. Ahhh!!
He is quite an affectionate boy, when I was talking to him regularily he would always hug and joke about. I always did wonder (and hope) that he was gay aswell. Alas it was not to be. He has this girl now, I dont really know her very well, but I dont think that they suit (well, I suppose I am going to say that eh??).
Maybe one day he will come to his senses and see that I am there. :]

I remember once that we were getting changed for some sport session, and he came in. Looked at me, gave that cheeky grin and started to get changed. I couldnt help my self!! Of course I looked, I mean wouldnt you? Luckily for me, he had swimming and had decided to wear those skin tight boxer/trunk thingies. Hehe, he looked so cute and perfect. I was envious. I wished that I could just go over there and cuddle him.

I think I'm smitten!

Hehe, hoped you enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed remembering the changing room scene.

Love J.

Not too bad after all

School ended today, im off on exam leave! HORRAY!! :-]

It was a good day as days go. Sixth Formers did their usual last assembly prank :) this year we were treated to someone in a Chicken Suit (I shall name no name!!). It certainly made my morning. Hmm...I wonder what would be a good thing to do for our "Prank", something memorable. Fireworks? No, too dangerous. Hmm...it is a subject i shall ponder.

I had a nice piece of fruit cake today.

Some people are leaving the school forever. :'[ Im gonna miss you guys. We have had some good times. Some of the best times were had with you lot and even though I wish you every success, I'm gonna miss you guys!! Oh dear, better stop now before I start to cry. **Sniff**

Anywho...I suppose that exam leave should entail revision revision revision. Hopefully I will get as much of that done as I can.

Ahhh got my first Exam Tomorrow!!! Scary stuff. Fingers crossed.

Oh and for no specific reason:

my epipahny

You know, if you are gay that there is a moment in your life, during the "realisation" period, where you have an epiphany. A moment when you suddenly realise that you are gay. It is a wonderful but also scary moment. Mine went like this:

It was last year, and I was playing hockey... I do like hockey! I forget who we were playing but I remember that they were good, and there was this one player on their team who was just so CUTE!! I couldn't take my eyes of him, (probably not good as he was an opponent). But anyway, I carry on playing hockey despite gazing at him as often as I could. But then we conceded another goal, and I was taken substituted off as I wasn't playing very well (I wonder why?!). So I was sitting on the bench watching the match play out in front of me. I distinctly remember that he had really really nice legs, anyway, I was sitting on the bench when suddenly. BAM!!! It hit me:

"Oh my God," I thought, "I'm fantasising about him...I really am GAY".

It was really weird, because I'd known for a good 3 years that I had no interest in girls what so ever. But to just realise this was a real shock.But I think that my brain had been sort of suppressing the realisation of this fact. I was in a state of denial. I think like most people when they are coming to terms with their homosexuality, the realisation that you are different and that you like the same sex is a big shock. It certainly was for me!

This moment was the real turning point for me. It was after this moment that I fully began to understand what my feelings were and what it meant. Prior to this I had been quite comfortably imagining getting a wife and starting a family. Even though at the back of my mind was this little thought. "But you don't like girls". I had not accepted it before. But now I had to. And I have not looked back.

I am so happy to be who I am.


But anyway that is the story of how I realised that I am GAY. :-]

Love.
J